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Forty percent of all
first marriages end in divorce in the U.S. (Richmond Times Dispatch
(January, 2001). Divorce is a stressful time for the adults involved,
and the children's needs are often left unnoticed.
Various factors influence
the differences between children raised in a single-parent household
and in intact families. Some of those factors are:
- The Loss of a Parent - Just the logistics of parental separation
will present adjustments for the children. The home, "where the
heart is," and the house lived in, were all in one place before
the separation of the child's parents. Now, where is home? There
will be many questions and children will need their parent's help
with these questions. In addition, there is a strong possibility
that the child will lose the knowledge, skills, and resources
once provided by the now missing parent.
- Greater economic stress - Children living in a single parent
environment will probably have less economic resources than children
living in intact families.
- Increased life stress - Due to the many changes associated with
divorce; such as, changing schools, child care, different homes,
poor parental adjustment, and conflict between parents.
Parents should be aware
of these factors and acknowledge them.
Although many marriages
end in divorce, there is a lot known about how to help children
during this time. Some families seek counseling and many states
require divorcing parents to attend parenting workshops and learn
how to protect their children.
Parental Do's and Don'ts
- Do tell your children that they were not responsible for the
divorce.
- Do take care of parent's emotional and physical needs - Children
sense when things are not "right" and buried or untreated feelings
over a length of time are stressful to all family members.
- Do develop a support system of family and friends.
- Do maintain open communication with your ex-spouse and actively
support your child's relationship with your ex-spouse.
- Do jointly establish routines and discipline plans and stick
to them!
- Do communicate regularly.
- Do pre-plan as much as possible with your ex-spouse and child.
- Do plan some "special" events on visitations
- Do remember to spend time just sharing and listening.
- Do be honest with your children about feelings. Honesty enables
your child to feel secure in expressing feelings.
- Don't use children as "go-betweens."
- Don't involve your children in financial issues!
- Don't try to "buy" your children's affection.
- Don't make promises unless you can keep them! Parenting is not
a competition. Be a parent first!
Finally, children, no
matter what their ages, are always affected by family changes. It
is very important that the parents acknowledge their children's
feelings and encourage open communication. These are critical components
of a more comfortable transition during this difficult family challenge.
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